I'd make anyone who receives a "retention" bonus and then leaves the company not only repay the bonus in full, with at about a 29.9% interest rate, just like credit cards, but also apologize in public on the National Mall at high noon in D.C.

And then we should find where that person lives and go to their house and pee in their private pool.

....I would be SO HAPPY now that the new occupants have moved in. Bring on the puppy!

.....I would let my kids get a puppy, too....and insist that before they move into their new White House rooms, they must first wipe down the walls to remove every hint of vapidity, intolerance and dishonesty that still lingers in the corners. Then, they can re-decorate rooms to their heart's delights and let that little puppy (I hope it's a rescue-shelter MUTT) chew on the Lincoln Bedroom. His name should be something Chicago-ish, or Midwestern. Like Daley. Or Cubby. Or Community Organizer Dog.




Might I also add that 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue feels as if it's about to be re-energized? Exorcised? Revived?

And may I share with all of you readers (thanks, Sara!) the sheer joy of knowing that one now resides in a BLUE state?

Ahhhhhh......it's as good as swimming in banana pudding.

....before I would bail out ANY failing company with federal tax dollars, I would first insist on a few ground rules. To wit:

Every CEO and C-level executive must reduce his/her salary to either 1.) minimum-wage OR the 2.) average of all middle-managers' salaries in that company. And no raises except for the average raise that everyone else in the company gets for that previous calendar year.

ELimination of all perks. No corporate jets. No sales meetings in exotic places. No executive lunchrooms, washrooms lunches, dinners, two-martini anythings. No company cars, no company housing allowances.

No bonuses.

No compensation packages.

No frills of any kind for anyone. If the lowest-level employee doesn't get the perk, no one gets the perk.

Then and ONLY then will the federal government even CONSIDER rescuing your company.

....I would NOT want as my Vice President (given who's had that position the last eight years, should we maybe remove the world "vice" from the title???....just a thought) someone who thinks "aerial wolf hunting" is something that's OK to do, just for sport. Or for profit/bounty.



It's a brutal practice. Wolves are shot from low-flying aircraft or chased to exhaustion, then shot and killed at point-blank range.

Governor Sarah Palin, the Republican nominee for Vice President, promotes this barbaric practice, exploiting a loophole in the Federal Airborne Hunting Act to allow private wolf killers to shoot down wolves using aircraft. We have to get the word out about this!

Please watch this powerful video by Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund, and then share it with every wildlife lover and conservationist you know.

And vote with a brain in two months, eh?

......I would make sure my nominee for Vice President did not come highly imbued with elements of white trashiness. (A certain recent candidate's choice inspired visions of a double wide on the White House lawn, with a few snowmobiles on cement blocks behind it)....


I would make sure my VP candidate actually has some grasp, even a teeny tiny one, of what the VP actually does (besides, of course, starting/waging wars, acting like Darth Vader, and tossing down a few before shooting old white guys in the face).

I would insist that my candidate not lie.

I would probably suggest that in a sense of fairness to her (I'm talking about you now, Ms. Palin) other uniquely named children (Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig), Ms. Palin and her soon-to-be-teen-age-mommy-daughter Bristol name their child-grandchild appropriately as well, linked to an equally relevant highlight, place or life event at that moment in time. I'm suggesting Trojan. Or perhaps Lambskin. Or Norinyl. Or Yasmin.

And I have to ask: Wasn't Dubya sold to us as just a "regular guy" and an "accomplished governor." Do we really want that AGAIN? Whole helluva lot of good it did us last time around...

.....I would really emphasize the need for things like truth and common-sense government that works. So let me just remind folks of these blasts from the past (8 years):

duct tape and plastic
WMD
spider holes
Abu Ghraib
"when the Iraqis stand up, we'll stand down"
white-cake uranium
FISA
wiretapping for democracy
Katrina
Heckuva job, Brownie
Harriet Miers
"I-don't-recall" Gonzalez
Jack Abramoff
No Child Left Behind
Cheney face-shooting extravaganza
"Al Quaeda determined to strike within the United States" pre-9/11 memo
9/11 Commission recommendations (not implemented)
biological warfare trailers
$600 rebates will stimulate the economy amazingly well
strategery

Enough?

....I would insist that all new occupants after Jan. 20, 2009, are able to move into a clean, new environment. Here's the plan:

1. The current occupants of 1600 P, before they move out, should be thoroughly exorcised of the horrible, awful, nasty, brain-sucking, emotion-deadening, truth-twisting, morality-shirking, stupid-inducing spirits and ghosts that have invaded and taken over their bodies for the last 8 years. Yeah, Cheney, that means you and everyone in your %$#$%#@% underground bunker, too.

2. In the span of time between the move-out of the "old" occupants and the move-in of the Obama family, the entire White House complex should undergo a thorough de-lousing, spring cleaning, wall washing, pipe-flushing, and full-ventilation air exchange. Yes, the entire building should undergo the equivalent of a Lysol douche. Fresh starts, bottom to top.

3. Hippies everywhere -- the ones who still wear peasant skirts and beaded flowers in their hair and wave those swirly wand things through the air and wear energy-focusing metal-crystal triangles on their heads (you KNOW who you are) -- should converge in D.C. and just go wild in the streets, spreading their good vibes everywhere.

And I hope the Obama girls get their puppy.

......I would respect whomever won the primary and his right to choose WHOMVER HE WANTS to be his running mate.

Coming in second qualifies one for.....the red ribbon, second-place trophy and nothing else.

And if you're one of those people who's threatening to vote for McCain because you didn't get Hillary, what ARE you thinking? I mean, REALLY.

........I would hire without an interview whoever writes Barack Obama's speeches. Damn, those are good speeches!

And in an upcoming speech, I'd work in this little factoid from Sen. Harry Reid on The Daily Show this week: the U.S. is spending $5,000 every SECOND in Iraq.

That's sick.

....I'd remind people of all the cool stuff we could be investing in if we weren't paying THREE TRILLION DOLLARS for a war that'll never be "won."

Don't believe it? Go see what you could buy for 3 Trillion Dollars.

Personally, I'd start with some train networks that criss-cross the country and then some new sewage treatment plants and some water treatment plants, and new schools for lots of kids, and some real help for New Orleans, and the best health care possible for anyone who's served in the U.S. military, especially those who've served in Iraq or Afghanistan in the last 5 years. Free health care for them for the rest of their lives, just like the Congress folks get, you know. Fair is fair. Then maybe some oil independence on the side. And solar collectors for every house south of about the Mason Dixon line. And that's just on the first day.

What did YOU buy?

....I wouldn't mark the 5th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq (and yes, it WAS/IS an invasion), by deciding to spend my time fishing on the yacht of the Sultan of Oman. I think I'd instead spend time thinking about the nearly 4,000 soldiers who have died since March 2003 and the thousands and thousands of others who've been injured. And salute them....and then go donate some money to the Democratic candidate who will get us the hell OUT of other country's business and tribal snits and politics.

....I'd remind one female candidate for the Presidency that "experience" is as much about where you came from, how and who you were born, how you fit in (or don't fit in with "establishment" folks) and what kind of people you've grown up with as it is about holding privileged positions in the nation's capitol. And I'm guessing the experiences were a whole lot more real on the South Side of Chicago than they were in Evanston, you know?

Lord knows we've had our fill in the last 8 years of privileged, Ivy League kids whose parents made everything easy for them.

I'm saying it here: VOTE FOR OBAMA. There rest of the world is watching, too. That's perhaps the most important thing of all. Well, that, AND ending this stupid war.

.....I'd invite Barack and Michelle to move right in with their cutesy-pie little girls.

GOOOOOOOOO-BAMA!

Yes, I'm Hillary's demographic: older woman, liberal, Democratic, pro-choice, yadayadayada. But I'm tired of her "experience" and her husband and her race-baiting disguised as whatever they think it is otherwise.

But I'm going with Obama, and I invite all of Ohio to join me, won't you?

Time for a change. Time for someone who's a good writer, a good public speaker AND a good soul, and Barack seems to be all of those, and more.

I want change, sure. I want ideas. I want consensus. I want new ways of looking at and solving things. I want a First Lady who truly speaks her mind, and that, to me, is Michelle.

I'm for Obama.

...one of my first official acts as "queen" (I think I'd change the name from "president" to "queen" just for kicks, but that's not what this little diatribe is about), would be to require that ANY new construction (house, restaurant, rest area, commercial/industrial building) in U.S. cities where the sun shines most of the time put a solar collector on the roof. And start using THAT for whatever energy it can provide. Like Phoenix. And Tucson, Sante Fe, Albuquerque, Palm Springs, San Diego, Miami, Clearwater, Daytona, Atlanta. And places in Texas and Florida. And New Mexico and California and Utah and (you get my drift, right?). In fact, I almost have to ask, "why the hell aren't you sunny cities doing it now???" It's FREE energy, for cripe's sake, and it gets delivered right to you. Grab you some of that, OK?

....I'd do a lot less talking and a lot more listening. I think the guy who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania right now likes to hear himself talk, but I rarely observe him listening, especially to people who either don't like hearing him talk or who don't necessarily agree with him on pretty important issues, like war and the environment and health insurance and tolerance and women and kids and morality and taxes. I remember watching footage a few years back of UK Prime Minister Tony Blair in a roomful of average Brits who were pelting him with really serious questions, and he listened and answered every one of them. I don't think I've ever seen he-who-should-not-be-named from Texas do that. Ever. He really should. It makes you smarter when you listen to other people. And it gives you new ideas and perspectives on stuff. And makes you a little less big-headed and small-hearted, and every politican could use a healthy dose of both.

If I get elected, I'll listen a lot. (I'll talk a lot, too, but not before listening just as much. I promise).

...if portions of my country were burning to a crisp from wildfires or drying up because of severe drought, or even still trying to recover from a hurriance that hit more than a year ago, or being choked to death on air pollution or crowded because of poor planning, or using up perfectly good cornfields for housing developments and blacktop, I would certainly say something. Anything. Start talking about how important it is for little kiddies to study science and weather and statistics and global patterns and energy alternatives and energy consumption and greenhouse gases and responsible land planning/land use and mportant stuff, you know, about how people can continue to live on this green earth? Before it dries up or burns away or gets so crowded it's just not healthy or fun anymore?? Wouldn't you?

...I would propose that most of the U.S. government work virtually. As in, from home. Especially Congress and all of the people in those big granite buildings in D.C. There's no reason they couldn't just work from home and send it in by email. Would save a lot of paper (email becomes the main form of communication) and gasoline (no need to commute). People'd probably get a lot more work done, and Congress folks could all stay in their home states and really listen to people rather than get big-headed by moving to DC and losing touch with what it means to work every day and be a real citizen.

But if I stayed at my home instead of in the White House, I PROMISE I'd never spend time clearing brush. What a waste of good time.

....I would support children's health, and paying for children's health, and revoking tax breaks for wealthy people to pay for children's health. Pretty simple concept, don't you think? Kids need health care; rich people don't need more money. They need to pony up.

....I would never EVER, at an event marking a nationwide education program of even questionable value, say "Childrens can learn." EVER.

(Insert here: big sigh heard round the world, and not in a good way, mind you).

......I would make sure that during my Administration, the rest of the world didn't zoom right past us the way it has the past 8 years. What has America done lately for the environment? Global warming? Broadband access? Medical research? Democratic ideals? (and that does NOT include Tasering guys at public speeches who simply seem to be totally jerkface obnoxious at asking questions). Technology innovation? Human rights? Health insurance? Balancede budgets? Really cool urban public schools? Vibrant downtowns? Urban planning? More welfare reform? Job creation?

ABSOLUTELY FRICKING nothing, that's what. And if I were president, that would change.

First up: everybody would be encouraged to buy cloth bags to take to the grocery with them so we could start reducing the use of plastic.

And anything that comes packaged in something that requires scissors to cut it open would be banned.

Yup, BANNED. It's OK for govenrment to ban bad things, but not good stuff like free speech.

...if my vice president said he didn't want to be considered part of the "executive" branch, I'd kick his ass out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue so quickly he wouldn't know what hit him. Then I'd shoot him in the face with quail buckshot.

Dumbasses and arrogant SOBs will NOT be tolerated, ever.

...I would love to see Al Gore replace me when my term is up. In fact, a Gore-Obama ticket in 2008, I think, would be pretty darn unbeatable. Rational. Smart. Multi-audience kinds of guys. One experienced and kinda boring (the way a good president ought to be), and one energetic and full of youth and ideas and zoomph. A great combination. PowerPoint kinds of guys, good writers, people persons. Not some jock-jerks who talk big and know nothing and will do anything to screw anyone but themselves, which is what inhabits 1600 right now.

Gore-Obama 2008. Join the movement now. I did.

Besides, my daughter thinks he's hot.

.....I would pay attention to petitions like this one from MoveOn.orgthat demand government do something to stop the influence of the oil companies on national policy. When gas jumps 40 cents a gallon overnight, you KNOW the fix is in.

....I would WELCOME......timetables. Honest.

....if my Attorney General was the kind of person that even members of my own party might like to investigate for legal improprieties, I think it would be a good/great/excellent idea to replace him, with someone who's a really good lawyer instead of someone who's just a dumb friend.

....I would probably say very stately things about the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, but don't really live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and I don't have to say stately things. I'm a blogger who IMAGINES what it would be like to be in the White House, and thus it made me giggle when my astute daughter IM'd me the day Falwell died with this message: "I bet he'll be really surprised when he wakes up and discovers he's in hell."

My only thoughts were these: Yes, Falwell had a lot of influence, but I truly truly hope that when he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he's totally shocked to discover that god is a goddess (thanks, JIM!) and she's a kickass, feminist, liberal, Democratic, purse-toting gay Teletubby.

THAT would be divine providence, don't you think?

...I would heartily embrace timetables. Time: good. Tables: good. Timetables: good good, no?

Yes.

...I wouldn't feel particularly confident in anyone in my administration who, when testifying before Congress, used the phrase "I don't know" 71 times. Or more. Isn't that grounds for incompetencial dismissal (let alone nationally televised public embarrassment?)

As someone commented as Alberto left the hearing room, "how the hell did you get through law school????"

So I haven't posted anything for a while, but I've been busy doing the "hard work" of thinking about what it would be like to inhabit 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. First order of business in this new wave of ideas: figure out, distressingly so, what kinds of excuses to come with when, at the end of summer 2007, the "new way forward" in Iraq turns out to be more of the deadly same, what to tell the families of soldiers -- men, women, brothers, daughters, sisters, sons, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, even grandpas -- why it didn't work.

"Oops, we were wrong...again?"

"Our bad. Sorry."

"Guess we need better intelligence next time?"

"Do-over?"

Then again, maybe I'll feel sad for a while....

...I would flat-out fire any Secretary of State that isn't serious about real, honest-to-god diplomacy in the Middle East.

...I wouldn't wait for the Supreme Court to have to rule on whether certain practices or issues are illegal or immoral. First, I'd assume that most of the folks on my White House staff were competent and moral enough to figure out a lot of things for themselves, stuff like whether you can hold prisoners without chargse for years at a time in tropical prisons on a foreign-nation islands, or whether it violates the Constitution to snoop through people's phone records, bank records, health records and who-knows-what-else-they're snooping through because it takes a diligent press to find out. Or whether it's OK to torture soldiers in custody. A lot of that stuff is pretty common sense, because if you violate the accepted rules, you don't look very good to the rest of the world, do you?

...I would take on terrorists of all kinds, not just brown-skinned ones that the current government seems so hell-bent to destroy through bombs. What kinds of terrorists am I talking about?

Corporate terrorists: the kind who have multi-million dollars salaries while their companies are laying people off, eliminating pension plans and cutting benefits.

Educational terrorists: who undercut public education, the foundation of ANY democracy, by funneling money and energy to religious fanatics. (If throwing money at a war solves international problems, why doesn't throwing money at public education solve education problems?)

Environmental terrorists: especially people who claim that global warming is a myth or that the science doesn't back it up. You don't need science. All you need to do is open your damn eyes and pay attention to Mother Nature.

Civil Rights terrorists: the very folks who talk about less-government this and less-government that are the very ones supporting a full-scale erosion of civil rights, individual rights and government BY the people FOR the people. More than ever, we need judges who will stand up for the people, not the lobbyists, corporations and high-paid white men who get them elected.

Urban terrorists: the government leaders who continue to lure houses and jobs and development farther and farther away from dying core cities, when supporting inner cities is what can bring back jobs and excitement and eliminate our dependence on cars and foreign oil.

Energy terrorists: those corporate mouths and engineers who continue to claim that energy breakthroughs are 15-20 years away, when they're here RIGHT now for anyone with the gumption to pursue them and invest in them. If corporate America won't, it should step aside for entrepreneurs who believe in new ideas, new technologies and new ways of creating energy.

Health terrorists: especially men who claim they know everything about women's bodies and women's choices and what's best for women. Next time THEY get pregnant or raped-and-pregnant, they can spout off all they want. Until them, shut the hell up, please.

Idea terrorists: What happened to interesting ideas like mass transit and public education and environemtnal protection and equal wages for all and a sound Social Security system and eldercare and childcare and living wage standards and air pollution control and water pollution control...and....and.... Gay marriage is the best anyone can come up with these days?

Terrorists...a pox on them all, and you know who you are.

.....I would require every member of my staff to go see Al Gore's movie, "An Inconvenient Truth." It's a good movie, regardless of one's politics, and reminds a lot of people that if given a choice between a nerd with a Powerpoint, an inquiring mind and a sound grip of science, or a C-average, spoiled-boy Texas jerk with a chip on his shoulder and not much of a brain in his drug-addled head, people should always vote for the nerd.