...I would politely tell the good people of Ketchikan, Alaska, that even though they want a $200 million (with a m) bridge built to get to their airport, and even though their Congressman wormed the project into the federal budget, they're just going to have to give it back to help rebuild the levees around New Orleans. Sometimes, things just boil down to numbers: Ketchikan has 14,500 residents and probably fewer cars. The economic contributions of New Orleans simply trump in this equation. As Jimmy Carter once said, "Life isn't fair..." and guess, what? He was right.

...I would make every Friday "Great Idea Day" in the U.S., a day when everyone -- children, students, homeless folks, scientists, workers, retirees, old folks, illegal immigrants, you name it -- could suggest ideas on how to make the U.S. a better place to live. Maybe there'd be a huge web site where all the ideas could be posted, categorized and voted on. It's 2005, you know....about time we starting putting technology to use for something that could be really really good. My first idea: a federal mandate that by the end of 2006, all cars, trucks, vans and SUVs made in the U.S. (or sold by U.S. auto companies, no matter where they're made) get at least 40 miles per gallon, highway or city. It could be done if we put our minds to it. (And failing that, I'd invite the makers of Germany's Smart Cars to open up as many dealerships in the U.S. as they wanted. Competition certainly spurs creativity....

...I would reiterate my intent to nominate a woman to the U.S. Supreme Court. More than half of the folks who live in this country are women, many of them capable judges and attorneys. I'd find a good one and nominate her right away.

...Instead of asking NASA to take us to the moon or Mars (what the hell?), I'd ask NASA to become the premiere science agency for the entire country and focus on more than just space. Their first assignment: turn loose all of the scientific know-how in the country to come up with energy alternatives that are effective, low-cost and gentle on the enviornment. Like Tang for Mother Earth...

...I'd make a few phone calls today and see that charges were dropped against Cindy Sheehan, the Gold Star mom who was arrested outside the White House last weekend. Seems a bit stupid to punish a woman who's already lost her son to a war that lots of people are having a hard time justifying any more.

...I would put a WHOLE lot of distance between me and Tom DeLay. I'd fersure make sure that he wasn't within an arm's reach of my back pocket...

...I would go gung-ho on a national energy plan that's not easily dismantled (in a matter of hours!) by hurricanes and storms and tribal warfare in Iraq. I'd get people excited about solar energy again, and wind-powered turbines like the ones that gracefully dot the landscape in the Netherlands, and straw-bale houses and energy-efficient water pumps like they have in Germany and all sorts of energy-efficient engines. It's about time we quit sucking on the oil teat and put your brains to use.

...I wouldn't try to explain things by starting out with the word, "See?.... as in "See, people really should cut back on their driving to conserve gas" or "See? The people in Iraq are committed to freedom" or "See? It's like this. I'm a uniter, not a divider. I like to unite. Not divide." Because first of all, it makes me sound really stupid, as if I'm grasping for words that just aren't there, and it's really condescending to the people I'm supposed to be leading. If they can't "see" it, I'm not doing a good job of making it obvious.

...I'd try not to be so obvious about cronyism/political payoffs when nominating people to take major positions in my administration. Like, I wouldn't appointment a 36-year-old pretty inexperienced woman, who also happens to be the niece of my soon-to-retire Joint Chiefs of Staff head and the newlywed of my Homeland Security Director's chief of staff, to head up the all-important customs and immigration office. I think I'd really look for someone who has experience in, oh I don't know, let's say, customs and immigration.

....Even though she was a slob as a teen-ager, I think I'd appoint my daughter to be in charge of the cleanup of New Orleans (and then when that's done, I'd put her in charge of the cleanup/reorganization of the entire federal government). She lived for a year in the Big Easy, so she knows the city. She doesn't take crap from anybody (never has, not from the moment of birth), she has an uncanny ability to organize people around a cause, and she's turned into a meticulous cleaner who actually loves to receive Mr. Clean Magic Erasers as gifts. I think she has the perfect combination of talents and skills, and I'd be proud to have her as part of my administration.

...I think I would look around and start choosing a whole new Cabinet to go with my new Supreme Court. My ideal Cabinet? Richard Clarke would be back in charge of Homeland Security. Jon Stewart would be Chief of Staff, Maureen Dowd would be press secretary and Bill Clinton would be ambassador to the UN. I think Thomas Friedman or that guy from Newsweek would be an excellent Secretary of State, and Paul Krugman would be Secretary of the Treasury. I'd like someone like Joceyln Elders back as U.S. Surgeon General, someone who's not afraid to speak the truth. My friend Ken Peterson would make a great Attorney General, and for secretary of Education, I'd co-nominate my sisters, both public school teachers with almost 60 years of experience between them. Let ANYONE take them on...I dare ya! And any person who supports intelligent design theory or trickle-down economics or abstinence-only sex education would be given the boot immediately.

...I would smack myself for lying again about not having to raise taxes to pay for Katrina. Voters like to hear that "no taxes" bullcrap, but everyone knows that taxes are REQUIRED to run a government. And running a government into the grossest and most uncalled-for debt in U.S. history is no way to run a country. Taxes would HAVE to be part of the rebuilding plan, and it should start with revoking the tax cuts that I championed earlier. Heck, rich people should pony up to rebuild their own country. And looking back on it, those tax cuts were a joke.

...I would ask some serious questions about why Halliburton, already sucking money out of the federal budget like there's no tomorrow in Iraq, is now getting a lot of no-bid contracts to rebuild stuff along the Gulf Coast. I know it's Dick Cheney's old company and buds, but gosh, it looks a little improper, don't you think?

...I would issue an executive order mandating that every person asked to testify before the Congressional inquiry into what caused the dangerously, stupidly, bumblingly, embarrassingly slow response to Hurricane Katrina do so with full honesty. I think I've had enough of this "don't play politics by placing blame" thinking that's infested my current administration. At some point, somebody has to take responsibility, right?

...I would start a housing program (bear with me on this) for people who are truly down on their luck. Seems that with the price of gas going up, up, up, lots of SUV owners (Expeditions, Suburbans, Hummers, the really really big jobbies) aren't going to be able to afford gasoline, so I'd ask them to do a humanitarian favor and donate the SUVs they intend to sell/trade in to homeless people to live in, at least temporarily. They're certainly roomy enough. Park 'em at the Astrodome, and let people pick their style, color and model year.

...I would have serious questions for the person on my staff who was supposed to do a background check for Michael Brown, the head of FEMA. Seems his last executive position was as head of an association of Arabian horse owners, and he was asked to leave that job for not doing it right. Is that any way to run a country? And what does it say about MY skills as an executive?

...I would fire the director of FEMA for gross imcompetence, and then I might even offer to resign myself for the same reason. Face it, I blew it. Again.

....I would ask every church in the U.S. to adopt one family that's been made homeless by Hurricane Katrina. If each church could provide housing, some money, clothing, food and help for about six months, a lot of people could get taken care of.

...I think I would ask Rudy Guiliani to come help me handle the cleanup of Hurricane Katrina. Without him at my side during a major national crisis, I look like a clueless, bumbling fool.

...I would urge every American who owns a recreational vehicle (RV), and every RV dealer who has old/used RVs that won't sell, to donate the vehicle to the thousands of people who are now homeless because of Hurricane Katrina. They're self-contained, and with the price of gas, no one's going to be able to drive them anyway.

...I would challenge every major U.S. corporation, especially those who benefited so much from my tax cuts, to dig to the bottoms of their well-line pockets and donate as much as they can to disaster relief. Wal-Mart's $1 million donation? It's laughable, don't you think? It's a miniscule percentage of that company's daily profits, and it's a shame that it's all that Wal-Mart, a Southern-based corporaton, could come up with.

...I would issue a decree that everything in all New Orleans-area stores right now is free to anyone who wants it. Looting? I don't think so...most of these people are just looking for food and supplies to keep them alive, and the only stipulation to the "it's free" declaration would be medical drugs (not free...available only to those who need them). Looting? I don't think it's looting. I think it's called sheer, human survival.

...I would ask Congress to approve a new plan whereby 10% of all oil-company profits, for the next 10 years, be automatically earmarked for building new oil refineries and supporting alternative fuel sources...everything from wind turbines to solar energy to hybrid cars to electric/hydrogen-powered cars to the construction of straw bale houses and other energy-friendly building techniques. It's stupid that this country, with all its brains and after all these years, is still so dependent on oil and the gas-powered engine.

...I would order an immediate repeal of the tax cuts that I put into place in the last few years and order all of the new money to go for Hurricane relief. Tax cuts are one thing, but this money is really needed now.

...I would ask the Department of Housing and Urban Development to get to work right away on a plan to house all of the refugees from Hurricane Katrina. Instead of tearing down public housing, as they've been doing for the past few decades, maybe it's' time to start rebuilding it?

...I would immediately order all amphibious vehicles now stationed in the DESERTS of Iraq to be returned to Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama on overnight military flights so they could be deployed in New Orleans to rescue people from flooded houses and rooftops. As President, I wouldn't know how to explain the fact that 14 Ohio soldiers were recently blown up in an amphibious vehicle in the middle of the Iraqi desert. The sad, despicable irony of just typing those words is just too much to fathom and impossible to justify.

...I would order my two able-bodied daughters to go anywhere they could in the Gulf Coast and volunteer to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.